In a perfect world, every conversation we have with another human would be a straight-forward, mutually beneficial conversation.
But we don’t live in a perfect world, and many times the conversations we have with others are anything but straight forward.
Sometimes people play games. I define games as non-straightforward communication between two people.
We all do it, sometimes unconsciously, sometimes not.
I suppose if I am honest with myself, I play games to get back at someone, or because my need for approval is too high or because I feel the need to be right.
And sometimes we just don’t know how to be direct with each other, so the game ensues.
Whatever the reason, it’s an unhealthy way to communicate.
As a Sandler disciple, I often turn to the three tenets to improve my areas of deficiency. Let’s look at how attitude, behavior and technique can help reduce game playing.
Attitude
Good communication is based on the assumption that both parties have an interest in doing things for each other. It’s important to recognize that for us to be straightforward in our conversations we must be in service to others.
We may have to give something, do something, or say something that benefits the other. Ask yourself, “how can I serve the other person?”
Another element in attitude is the importance of getting the truth.
In selling, the truth is either a “yes” or a “no”.
As long as the truth is revealed, you can be satisfied that you did things well.
Having standards is important as well. Without standards to frame the boundaries of acceptable and unacceptable outcomes, games are easier to play. Set standards and stick to them.
Behavior
Take ownership of the role you played in the game.
Many times we externalize the problem as a way of making it someone else’s fault. This externalizing is our way of protecting our ego. Stop doing that by taking ownership of the problem.
Stop looking for ways to be right; look for ways to make money.
Learn and remember Karpman’s triangle. Stephen Karpman states there are three possible positions in a game.
• Persecutor: someone who does something hurtful to another person, without permission, such as create guilt or discomfort. Persecutors always externalize.
• Victim: someone who receives the persecutor’s action and responds in a victimized way. Victims always externalize.
• Rescuer: someone who looks for another person to help/rescue without being asked. Rescuers always externalize.
Once you are in the triangle it’s hard to get out. My best advice is to stay out of the triangle.
Technique
When others are engaged in games and power plays, they are trying to get you to do something you wouldn’t normally do.
Use these tips to stop the games:
• Call the game: when setting strong up-front contracts, hold others to the agreed upon rules of the interaction. Remind them of the rules they agreed to.
• Go for no: with a healthy self-worth and an understanding that the truth is good, you can always handle “no” as the decision.
• Change the climate: when things get heated and the game “amps up,” use humor to lighten the atmosphere, change moods, and shift assumptions.
Our worlds aren’t perfect and will never be, but with more wisdom, a good dose of humility, and a bit of courage, we can perfect our ability to communicate with others.