Niceness versus Kindness

A few weeks ago, I had a talk with Matt Nettleson, a fellow Sandler colleague based in Indianapolis. During our conversation, we talked about the difference between being nice and being kind. I’ll admit that, until now, I did not realize the degree of difference between these two words.

Mediation Mag defines these two words as
• Nice: pleasant or pleasing or agreeable in nature or appearance; socially or conventionally correct; refined or virtuous.
• Kind: having or showing a tender and considerate and helpful nature; used especially of persons and their behavior; characterized by mercy, and compassion.

When I grew up, the meaning of the word “nice” was rooted in the context of what a person should not be doing. Some examples I heard were,
• “Don’t fight, be nice.”
• “Don’t talk back, be nice.”
• “Don’t hurt people’s feelings, be nice.”

To me, it seems dishonest.

Let’s take the third bullet point for example. Don’t make people unhappy, sad, or angry… instead be nice.

By not telling people the truth, here’s what’s bound to happen.

You keep things bottled up until inevitably, you blow up. (My daddy had a term for this; He called it “gunny sacking,” where you’d hit someone with 10 pounds of anger for a one-pound offense.)

Wouldn’t it be better to tell the person what’s really on your mind now, rather than lying to them until you can’t hold it in any longer?

That is niceness.

So, what is kindness?

Kindness is wrapped in the truth.

It requires more from us. We must ask ourselves, “What would the kind thing be to do right now?”

Confused?

Here’s an example. You notice that when talking with a colleague at a networking event that they have spinach in their teeth.
• The nice person ignores it, not putting the person on the spot and embarrassing them.
• The kind person will tell the truth, trading the short-term awkwardness for doing the right thing.

Niceness is about you, whereas kindness is about the other person.

Kindness demands compassion, empathy, and intention. It means treating someone well because you are generally interested in that person’s overall well-being.

And here’s the most important part… the first person you should be kind to is yourself!

Why?

Without being kind to yourself, you will not know how to be kind to others.

Through loving yourself and being your own best friend, you will have less issues with others, because you have found happiness within yourself, and are not looking for it somewhere else or in someone else.

Then that kindness will manifest itself in actions that support and strengthen the people in your life.

Sometimes that support comes in the form of a hard truth. If that is the case, be deliberate with your hard truth by asking the other person’s permission to share it with them.

I ask, “How do you want me to share with you something you might not want to hear?”

Then, with their permission, I can share the truth with compassion and empathy, and know that I am helping to support the other person.

Because of the conversation I had with Matt, I have added a new belief to my belief system.

It is: “Be kind, not nice. Tell people (with permission) what they need to hear, no matter how hard it is to tell them. In the end, the truth is always nice.”